on fathers and daughters

1.
When Freud gave us the theory that would go on to set the base for the most popular kink of the 21st century in the Electra Complex — by stating that daughters look for their fathers in their lovers — I contend it has less to do with fathers, and more to do with the yearning that little girls feel to imitate their mothers. I do not think daughters seek their fathers, I think they seek the pain their mothers sought.

2.
Not to say anything about the most complex relationship that has ever been known to humanity, but I know more people in therapy because of their fathers than any goddamn thing in this world.

3.
When I look at my father, I gaze into the heart of rage. The angst in my eyes is nothing but a reflection — of the flames of wrath that take the shape of my father, and blaze eternally in front of me.

4.
I call my mother when I’m having a good day. I call my mother when I have news to share. I call my mother when I am sad. I call my mother when I want to chat. But when I’m sick, I call my father. I call my father when I am sick because I believe in his ability to turn the world around to make it work for his kids — but I do not know what daughters talk to their fathers about when they’re not asking for things.

5.
Sometimes I look at my father and I see a meteorite of unbridled rage. Sometimes I look at my father and I see a motherless little boy — impish, and so laden with duty and grief, I’m not sure he was ready to be the man he was declared to be.

6.
I wonder if the boy grew up. I wonder if he still exists. I wonder if my 7-year-old self would have gotten along with him; or my 15-year-old self. I knew my 20-year-old self didn’t. I wonder if he aches to come out of the man, just as much as we long to meet him. We know he likes cake and 45 people singing a chorus song for him. We know he gets giddy at the sight of anything that comes with batteries, and needs condolences every time he watches the boy and girl of a romantic movie end up in anything less than a happily-ever-after. But I wonder if he also has as complicated a relationship with the man he is, my father, as all of us do. I wonder if they talk to each other. But I mostly imagine their egos are also at war — each awaiting forgiveness from the other.

7.
I think the worst thing a woman can do for her relationship with her father, is turn 18. Turning 18 is like hating your father, not because he is your father but because he is a man. It’s like finally seeing the thorns that exist on his body, from all men who have ever existed — and realizing why every hug felt like a wound.

8.
I know Freud made it so convenient to explain everything with a broad theory but maybe it’s not your daddy issues. Maybe you’re actually a terrible person, simply using your father for what he could never be — your protector.

If you liked this thot, share it with your friends. If you loved it, give me money for it. Buy me a kishmish 🍒