How to work from office
Be late. Pull a smoke break before you enter your workplace, because it is easier to kill yourself than start a day without nicotine.
When you’re done, enter and ask the first co-worker you see ‘Hey, how’ve you been? Smoke break?’ Step out for a smoke and tell them everything you did over the weekend in graphic detail.
When it feels like 40 minutes have passed, because they have, elbow your colleague to exclaim ‘Man, got no work today or what? Let’s go in.’
Re-enter the building and spot the two girls you find absolutely insufferable, giggling at the coffee machine. Go to them and greet, ‘Girls! You will not believe what happened with me this weekend. Smoke break?’
How to be great company while getting high
Do not lend a hand in either crushing, rolling or at least setting the scene. Ask the person who is crushing alone - how much more time they will take - repeatedly. Ask the person who has rolled if you can blaze. When they glare dead into your eyes and blaze it themselves, ask in a cranky annoying childish voice, if they could at least pass it to you, this side first.
Smoke two puffs and instantly get high. Without waiting for the doob to reach the last person in the group, start going around the circle to ask each person individually, ‘Are you feeling something?’ Wait for exactly 20 seconds and ask the same question to everyone again. Announce to the group that you don’t feel anything yet when no one asks you. Wait for exactly 2 minutes and declare you are hungry now. Go over to your friend’s pantry and finish all their fun snacks. Make sure you do it while you tell them the music playing is shit. Tell everyone the music is shit. Do not take charge of the music yourself but constantly keep saying, ‘Can we play something else?’ Do not tell them what. Once someone changes the music to something that vaguely pleases you, start talking over it without listening. When a friend pulls the music down to make audible, the conversation that you have now made about the pimple in the middle of your butt — turn around and complain ‘Man, who put the music so low?’
How to be a delightful colleague
Buy a pack of chatpate crackers and take a seat next to the co-worker who looks like he wants to be left alone. Start eating those crackers louder than anyone thought was humanly possible. Make sure you do that while singing the song you are listening to because it isn’t enough that everyone can already hear it blasting through your headphones. You never know what kind of day your colleagues are having and the least you can do is keep your co-workers entertained while they are on an intense crisis management call.
You also never know what place each person comes from. What if your co-workers do not have the privilege of the internet and thus, the awareness of how powerful and expensive your headphones are. So when you see them mouth ‘Can you tone it down, please?’ Scream back to say, ‘Thanks, they are powerful aren’t they? And expensive!’
Wonder why they unplugged their laptop to move to a different seat. Maybe they felt jealous of your headphones. Now this must feel bad, making someone jealous of how powerful and expensive your headphones are when all you did was share your music with them. At this point, you should go back to eating your chatpate crackers for emotional support. Remember they are your crackers that you bought with your own money and should not be in any case be offered to anyone sitting beside, even as courtesy.
Once you’re done, lick the dust off by putting all three fingers in your mouth one after the other and spot that co-worker that you haven’t said hi to yet. Go in and greet them with a handshake.
How to work from home
Think about all the work you have to do. Think hard, until you remember the task you deliberately forgot because you did not want to do it. Open Slack to read your manager’s message asking for updates on the task that you just remembered you deliberately forgot because you did not want to do it.
Get stressed about your productivity levels at work. Go to Google and google ‘Best Productivity Apps 2023’.
Go to Twitter dot com and tweet ‘What are some of your favorite productivity apps? Why?’
Go to ChatGPT and chat ‘Hi babe, how’ve you been? Oh yeah I know, I know. I didn’t log in to meet you yesterday because I decided it was a paid leave for me at work that only I knew about. Yes, but we’re so back now baby. Can you tell me about some nice productivity tools? I wanna be like super productive now!’
After you have spent 4 hours finding the best note-taking app (pen and paper), realize you are too tired to start taking notes and now need a snack break instead. Grab a snack as you prepare to dive into the third season of your favorite show ‘Staring at the Wall and Thinking of What Happy People Are Doing Right Now.’
How to play Jenga
Pick a piece. Read the question. And announce to everyone you know your answer to it. Do not voice your answer. Not everything needs to be shared with friends. Keep the block back on top. Jenga is a game of introspection.
How to work from a coffee shop
Enter a cafe with your Macbook Pro, Airpods Pro, Go Pro, Vision Pro, Lenovo Monitor, Logitech Keyboard, LG Refrigerator, MyMuse Vibrator, Kindle Paperwhite 11th generation, and a soft copy of the biography of Elon Musk by Walter Isaacson.
Now, occupy a 4-seater table during rush hour and place all your belongings on each chair before ordering the cheapest coffee on the menu. Open your laptop and do not start working. Stare at the screen and eavesdrop on other people’s conversations. Text your best friend to let her know that Nehal from the other table was cheated on by a boy called Rohan. What else was she expecting, dating a boy called Rohan anyway? Start a group chat with your girls to discuss in detail, the perils of dating men called Rohan, Aditya, Sameer, Kabir, Ahaan, Siddhartha, Aman, and just when you thought it couldn’t get worse - Rahul.
How to play Badminton
Be 25 minutes late to the court you have a 60-minute booking for. Explain to your friends that you are late because it is who you are; and because you have a backache. Always tell your friends you have a backache. You do not need to have one to tell them this, but if you are a young healthy 20-something who eats right, sleeps right, takes enough rest, and invests a lot of money in buying ergonomic chairs to maintain good posture, it is in all likelihood that you do - have a backache.
But also, you have a backache because ‘You only won this game because I have a backache today’ works just as well as ‘OMG! Can you imagine I won, despite my backache? You fucking loser’
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grateful to all the friends, bosses, and parents that tolerated this behaviour from the entitled and ADHD brats this resonates with. thanks to your sacrifice; we have now learnt to crush and fill pre-rolled cones, have atleast 30 good songs we can contribute for a trip, and are capable of pinching ourselves to stay present during a sesh.
at least my backhand smash is still a delight to watch.
You’re really funny, this was funny